Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Hockey Snob’s Guide to Eliminating the Shootout

You want to settle the game in record time?

Ken Holland thinks 3-on-3 hockey might be the next step toward the elimination of the shootout. I say let’s forgo the ½ measures and jump directly to the most traditionally deep-root solution to this national issue.

Tied games will immediately go to pond hockey rules, on an actual pond.


Ashley Tucker, of Durango, goes on the offensive as the sun begins to set on another game last weekend at the Creede Three-on-Three Pond Hockey Tournament. The event, which was organized by Matt Morrissey, of Chapman Hill fame, drew 10 teams from Durango, A and Creede./Photo by Will Blanchard
A 100% natural pond. Each team in the NHL will be required to maintain a naturally frozen pond out back of the arena. This will also serve the purpose of eliminating all the Southern hockey clubs from the league via subversive contraction. Excellent!!

Obviously, the native of Moose Jaw that was spoon fed on pond hockey in his youth will have a huge advantage in this style of play, thereby further cementing the Canadians rightful place in determining the outcome of the game that Americans have hijacked.

This will be the Pond Hockey that does not allow defence or goalies. Just that little wooden box to shoot the puck into. What an excellent situation for guys like Craig Anderson who have openly complained about the shootout. He can head to the dressing room while the game is being decided.

So here’s the basic layout: each team will draw sticks to determine the lineup. No icing or offside rules. No checking and certainly no fights! No slap shots, in fact no shot that elevates the puck off the surface of the ice will be allowed. Sweet saucer passes are encouraged.

Only fans that have steadfastly maintained a deep (and verifiable) hatred of the shootout will be invited to witness these determinations. Everyone else will have to go home. This will give them the feeling of having just witnessed a tie game. A horrible, horrible tie!!! Well, that’s what those paying fans get for standing up and cheering like idiots for the shootout.

Yep, it’s time to eliminate the shootout. Ken Holland and his ilk, the old-time, real-live hockey guys know what’s best for the sport. Right? The shootout is an abomination to the sport of hockey. It must be true; it’s all over the internet.

-From the Point

Ken Holland on Puck Daddy Radio, of course it's a love-fest.
Pierre LeBrun post where he says he thinks Holland's idea is a good traditional idea for settling games.
Michael Farber defends the shootout, thankfully someone has the guts to do so.

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