Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Third Annual Real Denver Sports Helmet Awards

With the season over for the Avs, I thought we could pass out some awards to some deserving Colorado Avalanche players. Real Denver Sports would like to acknowledge the players of the Colorado Avalanche with the meaningless Helmet Awards.
The categories, strictly made up on the spot by myself are:

The P. T. Barnum Award goes to David Koci
For suckering y'all into thinking he's as good on D as anyone on this team. Surround him with a team this bad and he actually looks like he can play hockey and fooled everyone from broadcasters to bloggers.

The Friends with Benefits Award goes to Peter Budaj
For always being there when Avs management fucks up the goalie situation. He’s that fall-back slut that will always answer the phone but in the end doesn’t really make you feel any better. But you keep telling yourself he’s better than nothing.

The Endorsement Award goes to Cody McLeod
For makin’ it far enough in this town to get a Subway commercial! It would have been great to see him take a bite without his two front teeth or beat up a Sandwich Artist but it was still an entertaining commercial. Unfortunately McLeod’s Subway commercial was about as entertaining as his on-ice performance.

The Player Most Likely to be a Car Salesman Next Year goes to Peter Mueller
For…wait, who? Oh yeah, the guy who looks like he’s in a Shakespearean troop. Let’s check back next year.

The Best Call-up Award goes to Kevin Shattenkirk
Yeah, well that really worked out well, for St. Louis.

The Most pointless Call-up Award goes to Ryan Stoa
This kid is so bad that even on this team he doesn’t look good. Greg Mauldin and Mark Olver look like keepers next to him. And they’re not.

The Twitter Pollution Award goes to Matt Hunwick
He singled-thumbedly muddied up my Twitter feed with the #blamehunwick hash tag for most of the season. Why wasn’t it #blamesherman?

The Head-Scratcher Award goes to Peter Forsberg
He shows up to practice a week before the All-Star break thus preventing him from practicing with the team while the team was away. Impresses everyone with his two road games but hurriedly announces retirement before the Valentine’s Day Massacre. Did he have a vision of the future? Clearly there are things going on in Foppa’s head that no one else understands. It’s like that itch on your head that you can’t get to because of the helmet you have on. Frustrating.

The Forget-me-not Award goes to Chris Stewart
Wow, I’m gonna miss this guy. It was man-crush at first fight. He is my perfect idea of what a hockey player ought to be. He’s got scoring swagger, he’s got attitude and he’s willing to bust you up if you mess with him or a teammate. I need another tub of ice cream to help me get over this.

The Survivor Award goes to John-Michael Liles
For not getting voted off the island. He won’t win the race for the Captaincy; he just doesn’t have the coconuts for the job. But every time the tribe tries to snuff out his torch he manages to survive. The Liles trade rumors are as old and tired as the stupid show I’m using here as a metaphor.

The Inaugural David Jones Broken Man Award goes to TJ Galiardi
So much promise, so many broken body parts. Jones finally had a reasonable unbroken season and he should be honored that such an award has been named after him. Here’s hoping Galiardi gets healthy and turns out to be the kick-ass 3rd liner that we all know he really is.

The Worst Gordie Howe Hat Trick Award goes to Brandon Yip
It was one of the many things he did poorly this season, but this one just shames the idea of a GHHT. I refuse to recognize it but officially it’s there.

And finally, Adam Foote whose head is so hard he doesn’t need a Helmet Award
Nonetheless he gets the Helmet Award for being a True Avalanche. The man said he “bleeds burgundy and blue” at his retirement press conference. Man, that was beautiful.

-From the Point

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